Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Experience You Don't Need: Douchebags

You've seen them in your neighborhood, at your workplace, at your grocery store. They make you sigh exasperatedly when you see them walking your way. They are douchebags. If an image of someone or multiple people instantly popped into your head upon reading that word - douchebags - then you know exactly who I am talking about.
   For those of you that do not quite know which breed of human I am talking about, I will give you some examples of behavior that help define a douchebag. Not all of these examples need to be rolled into one person.
   1) They know everything about everything. This behavior usually springs up in friendly debates and the douchebag pounces right in with some vague or ultimately wrong fact about the subject matter. When they are called on that bit of "information" they get defensive and angry when you do not agree with them.
   2) They eat and run. This happens when you invite the person over to your house for a meal. They make a beeline for the kitchen, stuff their face and then proceed to roll their way out your front door, ignoring the social norm of staying and conversing with their host.
   3) They believe they are better than everyone else. This is narcissism at its worst. If you have done something extraordinary or experienced something awesome, they have done the same thing but better or they have seen the same thing, only greater.
   4) They pout when they don't get their way. This is generally seen in social group settings. The douchebag will have an idea and when no one agrees with that idea, they will sulk in a corner and throw out little snide comments about being slighted.
   5) They are incredibly selfish. It does not matter what the situation is, the douchebag will put themselves before anyone else. If your father is dying and you need a ride to the hospital, the douchebag will say no, because they have to go to the liquor store to get a six-pack of PBR.
   6) They borrow items and return them damaged. When this happens, the douchebag will have an excuse for the state of the item and they expect you to accept the excuse, forgive the damaged property and immediately loan them The Walking Dead Season 4 on DVD.
   7) They do not pay their bills. Whether or not they live alone, the douchebag will find a way to have other people pay for their living expenses.
   Displaying behaviors as stated above a few times does not make a person a douchebag. It is when the behaviors are repeated constantly over a period of time that you know you have encountered a true douchebag.
   Upon encountering a douchebag, the best defense is a good offense. Douchebags cannot stand insults. A barrage of insults will send them fleeing in the opposite direction, screaming obscenities at you. Do not fear physical retaliation from said douchebag because they are also cowards. Once the douchebag has fled, you can stop the insults.
   Should the insults fail to send said douchebag fleeing in horror of his own character being called into question, pretending that the douchebag is not in your presence should also make them slink away. When no one pays attention to a douchebag, the douchebag's life force starts to drain and they must find another group of people to suck energy from.
   There is no vaccine for douchebags, unfortunately. Once a douchebag has infected your life, getting rid of said douchebag can prove problematic. But, if you adhere to the guidelines stated above, your chances of washing this disease out of your life on a permanent basis is greatly improved.

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